The scariest of things to me is uncertainty and knowing people can leave your life at anytime. Not just in a relationship but also by death.
Death can be very hard to deal with. I’ve been through my fair share of deaths with close loved ones and friends. My dad committed suicide 7 years ago, I’ve lost grandparents who were very dear to me and currently I have a friend the same age as me (34) on end of life hospice care. It’s never something you want to accept but when it does you usually know they are in a better place or and not in pain any longer which comforts us. We can normally grieve and move on with their good memories.
When it comes to the uncertainty of investing your life into someone knowing at anytime they can throw in the towel and walk away this is where I start to struggle. The anxiety kicks in and starts kicking my ass. It takes over my thoughts, all the plans I want, and its hard to focus on the future with someone. You’re scarred, you’re broken from the past. You thought they wanted a life with you then… BOOM. They aren’t there anymore. Not expected. Nothing to comfort us. Leaving us with more questions and no closure. How does one over come that happening and being able to fully give it all and invest in another relationship going forward?
Time doesn’t heal the part of my brain that trusts or hasn’t for me so far. I feel like I will never be able to believe in a forever. I have a good thing for a change in life and part of me does not want to move forward because I know in a blink of an eye it can all be gone. I don’t want to go through the pain again. In my mind its so much easier to run, run, run.