The scariest of things to me is uncertainty and knowing people can leave your life at anytime. Not just in a relationship but also by death.
Death can be very hard to deal with. I’ve been through my fair share of deaths with close loved ones and friends. My dad committed suicide 7 years ago, I’ve lost grandparents who were very dear to me and currently I have a friend the same age as me (34) on end of life hospice care. It’s never something you want to accept but when it does you usually know they are in a better place or and not in pain any longer which comforts us. We can normally grieve and move on with their good memories.
When it comes to the uncertainty of investing your life into someone knowing at anytime they can throw in the towel and walk away this is where I start to struggle. The anxiety kicks in and starts kicking my ass. It takes over my thoughts, all the plans I want, and its hard to focus on the future with someone. You’re scarred, you’re broken from the past. You thought they wanted a life with you then… BOOM. They aren’t there anymore. Not expected. Nothing to comfort us. Leaving us with more questions and no closure. How does one over come that happening and being able to fully give it all and invest in another relationship going forward?
Time doesn’t heal the part of my brain that trusts or hasn’t for me so far. I feel like I will never be able to believe in a forever. I have a good thing for a change in life and part of me does not want to move forward because I know in a blink of an eye it can all be gone. I don’t want to go through the pain again. In my mind its so much easier to run, run, run.
The last few months feel like I jumped on a train and it took off and we haven’t made any stops yet. So many things have happened and once again I made it through another of lifes chapters. It is almost time to close this chapter and start writing a brand new one that I am excited for.
Since my last post in September I have been on a mini trip to NOLA then on a cruise, my son turned 17, spent sometime in Nashville, did some Halloween stuff (because it is my favorite time of year), I sold my house, started dating someone new and lost my grandpa.
I think this has been one of the most challenging chapters I’ve had in such a short period but there has also been many good things come out of this chapter too. I moved out of my house mid October. The housing market where I live has been an extreme challenge. I have spent the last 2 months looking for a house. I have looked at close to 50 houses, put in nearly 10 offers on houses, and none of them were working out. Someone always had a better offer or the sellers would try to get the buyers in a bidding war or something random would happen and things would fall through for me. I was getting very discouraged and tired of living out of my suitcase. So what did I do. I prayed.
I have been raised in church my entire life but as an adult I don’t go to church and do things like I was raised. One day it hit me. I need to pray about whats going on in my life so I did. I prayed and prayed and all of the sudden things started falling into place y’all! I couldn’t believe the way things happened.
I had started talking to a guy back the first of September. Just something causal you could say. We neither wanted a relationship and wasn’t looking for anything serious. As time went on I started to develop feelings for him but I never told him how I felt. I just included this relationship in with my prayers and carried on. November 20th he asked me if I would be interested in dating exclusively and exactly one week later I had an offer accepted on a house. Not just any house BUT a house that could be big enough for him and his kids if things ever develop that far…. None of the other houses I had looked at would have had enough room for all of us! Maybe this is why none of the other ones worked out?! They just accepted my offer, no negotiations, and the home inspection went great! I couldn’t believe how things happened. I really feel like God did his thing in this situation! I just had to ask him.
Next week I close on my new house and start a new chapter. I am off work for two weeks and wont even have to miss any work to move and get settled in! Although there was plenty anxiety the last few months I am at peace now and feel like the train is slowing and all the pieces are finally coming together! Enjoy a few pics of the journey!