The Unknown

The scariest of things to me is uncertainty and knowing people can leave your life at anytime. Not just in a relationship but also by death.

Death can be very hard to deal with. I’ve been through my fair share of deaths with close loved ones and friends. My dad committed suicide 7 years ago, I’ve lost grandparents who were very dear to me and currently I have a friend the same age as me (34) on end of life hospice care. It’s never something you want to accept but when it does you usually know they are in a better place or and not in pain any longer which comforts us. We can normally grieve and move on with their good memories.

When it comes to the uncertainty of investing your life into someone knowing at anytime they can throw in the towel and walk away this is where I start to struggle. The anxiety kicks in and starts kicking my ass. It takes over my thoughts, all the plans I want, and its hard to focus on the future with someone. You’re scarred, you’re broken from the past. You thought they wanted a life with you then… BOOM. They aren’t there anymore. Not expected. Nothing to comfort us. Leaving us with more questions and no closure. How does one over come that happening and being able to fully give it all and invest in another relationship going forward?

Time doesn’t heal the part of my brain that trusts or hasn’t for me so far. I feel like I will never be able to believe in a forever. I have a good thing for a change in life and part of me does not want to move forward because I know in a blink of an eye it can all be gone. I don’t want to go through the pain again. In my mind its so much easier to run, run, run.

Photo added for cuteness 🙂 I took this at Briarwood Safari Ranch on my birthday last month.

Blues and Boredom

I wish I could figure out what is wrong with me. I know anxiety makes you get in your head and over think so much. But why do I question everything? I feel like I’m the only one who ever seems to get in my way. (Check out the song Maybe by Lewis Capaldi)

I’m in this great relationship. Head over heels for this guy. Been talking 6 months now been officially dating for 4 months. He’s great to me and my kids. I am crazy crazy about him and his babies. We never fight. We have so much in common. He’s the calm to my storms. In his arms is where I find so much comfort and peace and I’ve never really had that before.

So I ask myself why do I still want to run… Am I really that broken that I will never be able to be in even a stable, healthy relationship?! I don’t get why I get bored when we have a great time together. I don’t get why I get down about being with him even though things are so good. I’m waiting for something to happen even if I don’t worry about it happening.

I want to be okay and not feel like I’d rather be alone then put everything into this while waiting for something to happen for it just to fall apart and no it might not so I take the risk and try. I feel like I want to be selfish in life and just be alone forever and do my own thing and not deal with any other human beings. I hate the push and pull in my brain!

“How come I’m the only one who ever seems to get in my way?
Lately, I’ve been fucking up a good thing any chance I can get
Somebody to lean on, somebody to hold
It’s just another to lead out before I let go
And I ain’t tryna be lonely, solely
But everything I touch turns to stone
Maybe I’m better off on my own” – Lewis Capaldi that song was written for me….

We are kinda cute together though. The pic was taken at Bald River Falls in Tellico, TN

Think Thank Thunk

No, the title doesn’t really make much sense but really do our lives either?

I don’t write as much as I should to keep myself mentally sane but I do think about writing here a lot more then I do. I think about writing about my life in general, my struggles, my achievements, and my relationship. Unfortunately that’s as far as I get usually. Seems something always gets in the way of my thought and I never really finish what I was thinking about writing or I think who cares about what I have on my mind anyways.

I will say my anxiety is a lot more under control now then it has been over the past many years. I am so thankful for that. I have my daily struggles even if they are as small as not getting the inside seat at the booth I’m sitting down to eat at… the little things are still there. I’d much rather deal with that then having the fear of dying constantly or random panic attacks for no reason that show up at the times you think you’re just fine.

I’m not really sure what has changed unless I’m just learning to process things better mentally. I know I have grown a lot from my broken relationships to make the one I have today so much better with less stress and worries. I’ve learned so much over the last couple years and focused on me that maybe I’ve found myself enough to control myself… I like that. Never thought about it that way. See this is why I should write!

I HAVE FOUND MYSELF ENOUGH TO CONTROL MYSELF -Alek

We had a small snow that last a couple hours then melted but we enjoyed it while we could!

Traveling Alone with Anxiety

This week I traveled to Chicago for work alone. I love to travel more then almost anything so whether for work or pleasure I am going to have a good time!

So many people in my life that I talk to say things like aren’t you scared to travel alone? Don’t you worry what people think when you’re sitting at a table eating alone? Don’t you get lonely? How can you have fun by yourself. Used to I would thought the same things but after going somewhere and getting out and experiencing life alone it’s actually fantastic.

I’ve never been one to care what people think about me and over the last year learning to love myself more has really made it easier to enjoy myself wherever I go. My happiness doesn’t depend on someone else.

The biggest question is how do you do all those things and not have anxiety? Well there’s a very simple answer to that. I DO!! I do have anxiety about flying and about being away from home. I have anxiety in crowds, I have anxiety when I don’t know places and have to figure out where to go and how to get around! However the trick to all of this is you just have to do it! Make yourself try to overcome them. What good is it letting anxiety control you and you not living while you can?

The worst scenario is you have a panic attack and have to stop what you’re doing and go back to your comfortable spot but if you don’t try in the first place how will you ever know what you might actually enjoy or what places yours actually comfortable.

This week while in Chicago I went to the Skydeck. It’s 103 stories up in a building and you step onto a ledge glass box and can see for many miles and look straight down. I had told someone earlier this week I would never do that! But as I sat in my room looking into things to do I kept coming across it. I thought to myself you know what I will not let fear control me so I grabbed a ride over all alone and took the maze through the Sears Tower (now Willis Tower) and up 103 stories to the most amazing view I had ever experienced in my life. It was every bit worth the $25! It actually didn’t cause me any anxiety and I would do it all over again.

I also went the the Chicago Cubs game with thousands of people there and then I went in and sat down to eat dinner all alone. I did have anxiety at the Cubs game from all the people but once I got situated I started to calm down and I had a wonderful time.

Chicago is in the top 10 for murders in the USA and I’m just a country girl exploring the city world alone! If I can do it, so can you! So get out there and enjoy life ALONE if you have to. There’s no reason to let your anxiety control you and if you can enjoy life alone you will surely be able to enjoy it with others in your life.

Food for Thought

I read something earlier that hit me hard. It said “When you can tell your story and it doesn’t make you cry that’s when you know you are healed.” I don’t know who wrote it to give them credit where credit is due.

It makes me think about myself, my story.

I think I am healed some days. Some days I don’t. Some parts of my story make me cry still and some don’t so maybe I’m healed from them.

What I do know is I am working on me everyday. I want to be the best version of me so I can be the best for my kids and eventually someone else one day.

I encourage everyone to learn to love and respect yourself a little more everyday and in the words of my friend Lori find happiness everyday no matter what… do something that makes YOU happy!

Picture is of me and Dr Evil from a horror convention I attended a couple weeks ago. Halloween/horror makes me happy 😊

Finding Myself

I am a giver, a problem solver. It’s who I am. I wanna fix people no matter how much it breaks me. I end up losing myself because I put everything I am into other people and their problems.

This last year has been so challenging and complicated…. it has changed me.

I am focusing on myself. I am going to fix me. I am putting myself and my children first. I am finding happiness.

I will prevail. I will be stronger. I will not fail. I will love myself more. I will not tolerate bullshit. I will show this world it can not break me.

I have found myself! She is strong! She is fierce!