The Unknown

The scariest of things to me is uncertainty and knowing people can leave your life at anytime. Not just in a relationship but also by death.

Death can be very hard to deal with. I’ve been through my fair share of deaths with close loved ones and friends. My dad committed suicide 7 years ago, I’ve lost grandparents who were very dear to me and currently I have a friend the same age as me (34) on end of life hospice care. It’s never something you want to accept but when it does you usually know they are in a better place or and not in pain any longer which comforts us. We can normally grieve and move on with their good memories.

When it comes to the uncertainty of investing your life into someone knowing at anytime they can throw in the towel and walk away this is where I start to struggle. The anxiety kicks in and starts kicking my ass. It takes over my thoughts, all the plans I want, and its hard to focus on the future with someone. You’re scarred, you’re broken from the past. You thought they wanted a life with you then… BOOM. They aren’t there anymore. Not expected. Nothing to comfort us. Leaving us with more questions and no closure. How does one over come that happening and being able to fully give it all and invest in another relationship going forward?

Time doesn’t heal the part of my brain that trusts or hasn’t for me so far. I feel like I will never be able to believe in a forever. I have a good thing for a change in life and part of me does not want to move forward because I know in a blink of an eye it can all be gone. I don’t want to go through the pain again. In my mind its so much easier to run, run, run.

Photo added for cuteness 🙂 I took this at Briarwood Safari Ranch on my birthday last month.

Blues and Boredom

I wish I could figure out what is wrong with me. I know anxiety makes you get in your head and over think so much. But why do I question everything? I feel like I’m the only one who ever seems to get in my way. (Check out the song Maybe by Lewis Capaldi)

I’m in this great relationship. Head over heels for this guy. Been talking 6 months now been officially dating for 4 months. He’s great to me and my kids. I am crazy crazy about him and his babies. We never fight. We have so much in common. He’s the calm to my storms. In his arms is where I find so much comfort and peace and I’ve never really had that before.

So I ask myself why do I still want to run… Am I really that broken that I will never be able to be in even a stable, healthy relationship?! I don’t get why I get bored when we have a great time together. I don’t get why I get down about being with him even though things are so good. I’m waiting for something to happen even if I don’t worry about it happening.

I want to be okay and not feel like I’d rather be alone then put everything into this while waiting for something to happen for it just to fall apart and no it might not so I take the risk and try. I feel like I want to be selfish in life and just be alone forever and do my own thing and not deal with any other human beings. I hate the push and pull in my brain!

“How come I’m the only one who ever seems to get in my way?
Lately, I’ve been fucking up a good thing any chance I can get
Somebody to lean on, somebody to hold
It’s just another to lead out before I let go
And I ain’t tryna be lonely, solely
But everything I touch turns to stone
Maybe I’m better off on my own” – Lewis Capaldi that song was written for me….

We are kinda cute together though. The pic was taken at Bald River Falls in Tellico, TN

Think Thank Thunk

No, the title doesn’t really make much sense but really do our lives either?

I don’t write as much as I should to keep myself mentally sane but I do think about writing here a lot more then I do. I think about writing about my life in general, my struggles, my achievements, and my relationship. Unfortunately that’s as far as I get usually. Seems something always gets in the way of my thought and I never really finish what I was thinking about writing or I think who cares about what I have on my mind anyways.

I will say my anxiety is a lot more under control now then it has been over the past many years. I am so thankful for that. I have my daily struggles even if they are as small as not getting the inside seat at the booth I’m sitting down to eat at… the little things are still there. I’d much rather deal with that then having the fear of dying constantly or random panic attacks for no reason that show up at the times you think you’re just fine.

I’m not really sure what has changed unless I’m just learning to process things better mentally. I know I have grown a lot from my broken relationships to make the one I have today so much better with less stress and worries. I’ve learned so much over the last couple years and focused on me that maybe I’ve found myself enough to control myself… I like that. Never thought about it that way. See this is why I should write!

I HAVE FOUND MYSELF ENOUGH TO CONTROL MYSELF -Alek

We had a small snow that last a couple hours then melted but we enjoyed it while we could!

It’s Been Awhile

The last few months feel like I jumped on a train and it took off and we haven’t made any stops yet. So many things have happened and once again I made it through another of lifes chapters. It is almost time to close this chapter and start writing a brand new one that I am excited for.

Since my last post in September I have been on a mini trip to NOLA then on a cruise, my son turned 17, spent sometime in Nashville, did some Halloween stuff (because it is my favorite time of year), I sold my house, started dating someone new and lost my grandpa.

I think this has been one of the most challenging chapters I’ve had in such a short period but there has also been many good things come out of this chapter too. I moved out of my house mid October. The housing market where I live has been an extreme challenge. I have spent the last 2 months looking for a house. I have looked at close to 50 houses, put in nearly 10 offers on houses, and none of them were working out. Someone always had a better offer or the sellers would try to get the buyers in a bidding war or something random would happen and things would fall through for me. I was getting very discouraged and tired of living out of my suitcase. So what did I do. I prayed.

I have been raised in church my entire life but as an adult I don’t go to church and do things like I was raised. One day it hit me. I need to pray about whats going on in my life so I did. I prayed and prayed and all of the sudden things started falling into place y’all! I couldn’t believe the way things happened.

I had started talking to a guy back the first of September. Just something causal you could say. We neither wanted a relationship and wasn’t looking for anything serious. As time went on I started to develop feelings for him but I never told him how I felt. I just included this relationship in with my prayers and carried on. November 20th he asked me if I would be interested in dating exclusively and exactly one week later I had an offer accepted on a house. Not just any house BUT a house that could be big enough for him and his kids if things ever develop that far…. None of the other houses I had looked at would have had enough room for all of us! Maybe this is why none of the other ones worked out?! They just accepted my offer, no negotiations, and the home inspection went great! I couldn’t believe how things happened. I really feel like God did his thing in this situation! I just had to ask him.

Next week I close on my new house and start a new chapter. I am off work for two weeks and wont even have to miss any work to move and get settled in! Although there was plenty anxiety the last few months I am at peace now and feel like the train is slowing and all the pieces are finally coming together! Enjoy a few pics of the journey!

Finding Myself

I am a giver, a problem solver. It’s who I am. I wanna fix people no matter how much it breaks me. I end up losing myself because I put everything I am into other people and their problems.

This last year has been so challenging and complicated…. it has changed me.

I am focusing on myself. I am going to fix me. I am putting myself and my children first. I am finding happiness.

I will prevail. I will be stronger. I will not fail. I will love myself more. I will not tolerate bullshit. I will show this world it can not break me.

I have found myself! She is strong! She is fierce!

Ladies Night

Last night I had a much needed night with “the girls”. I have been beyond blessed with a handful of girls who have been there for years and supported me through all of my ups and downs.

We had a pure romance party with food and wine at my friend Lori’s house. There were 8 ladies including myself. The best part about the pure romance parties… no men are allowed ever!! So it’s a true night with only ladies getting to express ourselves and learn to lean on each other and love ourselves a little more.

I’m not a big drinker but with the last few weeks being pure hell in my relationship, I walked in with every intention of not being able to walk in a straight line when I left. A couple hours, drinks, dildo demonstrations, and laughs later my mission was accomplished!

It’s not about how big your circle is it’s about the quality not the quantity. They made sure I got home safely and even checked on me today to make sure I was okay. I ended up calling out of work, which I never do because of being so hungover and not being able to sleep once I got home.

Friends are so very important. I honestly couldn’t make it through this life without the few ladies I have by my side. No matter how bad my anxiety is, how many times I feel like I’m going to die, how many guys I kick to the curb, or how many crazy shenanigans I come up with they are right by my side. I want to thank them for supporting me, telling me the honest truth when I don’t want to hear it and still being there when I’m wrong and they get to say I told you so. That’s what real friends do!

Just Breath

Good Morning y’all!

I’ve been facing the challenge of just being able to breath the last few weeks. I don’t think most people know all the ways anxiety can affect the body and even after dealing with it for nearly 10 years now there’s still new affects it has on me at times.

I’ve been having relationship issues the last 3 weeks which has put a lot of stress on me mentally. Anxiety already makes us overthink every possible scenario and lots of times makes us assume the worst and the last 3 weeks all I have been able to do is focus on everything negative that has happened in my past and is has made me build this massive wall to push someone I love away because I’m afraid of getting hurt.

While doing that I have not only been hurting my relationship but also hurting myself, making my anxiety worse, and forgetting how to breath. I know most people think breathing is an automatic response the body just does and for the most part it is. When you have severe anxiety and your body is under lots of stress it’s almost like a constant state of panic attack. We are trying to calm ourselves down by taking deep breaths and excessive breathing creates a low level of carbon dioxide in your blood resulting in hyperventilation.

I find myself feeling like I need to yawn constantly to get a full deep breath to satisfy my body but as I was researching why I kept doing this I found out that I was making it worse because I was consuming to much oxygen making the carbon dioxide levels low in my blood and making breathing harder because it was making me hyperventilate. So I started watching the way I was breathing and when I felt the need to take that deep breath or make myself yawn I resisted the urge as much as possible and just let my body do it’s normal breathing soon the urge for that deep yawn would subside.

The brain is a powerful force and sometimes we need to be strong! Remember we are still in control of the struggles we are facing and to JUST BREATH (but not to much lol)!!

P.S. I love taking pictures so I will try to share pictures I have taken on each post I make.