The end of 2023 was a true shit storm. The shittiest storm I’ve ever been through. I will never understand how a spouse can say they love you and betray you.
My husband came home Christmas morning and told me he cheated on me. It’s wasn’t full on intercourse but it was bad enough. He felt bad about it so he told me the truth. Merry Christmas to you too MF’r!
So here I am back again. This is always my outlet when things go crazy. My therapy. Even though I don’t have followers etc it feels good to get it out through writing. So my plan for this new year is to write here daily, log what’s going on, and hopefully I can stick to it.
So are we going to try and work it out… I’m trying. Right now I’m cold and emotionless from the pain. I asked him and the kids to stay at his parents for awhile. I think we both need the space to figure things out. He wants to be here. I don’t know the right answer except people suck and I don’t know if I want to chance letting my guard down and trying to build trust again. Is it worth it even for someone you love unconditionally? Maybe time will tell.
We did ring in the new year with the kids before he went back to his parents today with them. They had a blast but I felt so different toward him. Didn’t even know I felt that way until I seen him. I’ve always been madly in love with him. We’ve always been affectionate. Now I just feel betrayed and disgusted when looking at him. I don’t want to feel that way toward him but it happened. I really hope it can change but I don’t know that it will.
It’s been about a year and a half since I was here to write. It honestly didn’t seem that long. Life passes by quicker than we realize. So much has changed in the last year and a half. So many new and changing perspectives on life have developed. I feel like I have been stuck on this roller coaster going around and around, up and down, and doing loopty loos. The roller coaster I’m talking about hasn’t been a smooth new metal roller coaster. Think about those old school wooden roller coasters that about shake the life out of you. That’s the ride I’ve been on.
Back on March 26, 2020 I wrote a blog titled Blues and Boredom. Last year in April 2, 2021 I married that man I was talking about in that blog. The one I was so scared to commit to. I took the leap. It hasn’t been perfect but we’ve learned so much since we’ve been together. Am I still scared it won’t work out even though we are married? Absolutely. Do I still have doubts? Yes! Why? Because I am broken and that is okay. I have learned to take more chances, have more faith, learned how to communicate better, learned to trust more. We are learning and working together and that is what makes us. Broken but putting the pieces back together the best we can.
Getting married brought other challenges to work through besides the just being broken now I had bonus “babies” and “baby momma drama”. The kids love me very much and I love them as well but it doesn’t mean it is easy. I went from having myself and two very independent teenagers at home to small children again. Household went from 3 to 7! The extra amount of food, dishes, laundry, cleaning, etc. the list goes on of all the things I didn’t think about adding more stress in my life but we are doing our best to keep up with that. I’ll save this and topic and baby momma drama for a later blog… Promise I won’t be gone as long this time!
If getting married and having all this going on in life wasn’t enough of a ride I also found out my 18 year old son became addicted to Fentanyl. Of course it didn’t start that way. It started by smoking marijuana and taking pills. It progressed to Fentanyl. I had never even really heard of it before. I’d occasionally see it in the news but I knew nothing about drugs especially about drugs that could kill you. He ended up over dosing twice in and out of multiple rehabs, over doses in rehab, ends up homeless because I can not allow those substances in my home. Not allowing my child to live in my home was the absolute hardest decision of my life. No matter what he was doing he was my baby. He finally decided to seek help out of state after he had no where to go and no one to turn to after the last overdose. I told him I will always support his recovery but I will never enable him and that is what I stuck to. He just got home this past week after a 8 month stay in a sober living house and I am so proud of him. I know he will always be a recovering addict but I believe he really is trying and he looks amazing!
My daughter also turned 16 while I was away from this blog page. We took a trip to California for her birthday and had a wonderful time. She is truly an amazing child and helps me keep my head on my shoulders and not lose my mind. God knew what he was doing when he gave me her. She will be getting her license in the next couple weeks and I am so nervous about that.
I know this is such a short start to the last year of my roller coaster ride and barely even skims the surface but I really hope to keep everyone updated more often now. I need to make time for this. For me. For my mind. There’s something about writing (even though I’m terrible at it) that calms the mind.
I found this gem this morning. I don’t know where it originated but boy is it true. I know so many of us try each day to look good and act like we have it all together when really we are just hiding the mess we have in our lives.
I’m guilty of this myself. I don’t do it to try to hide the mess I am from anyone but more so to try and not think about life’s messes for a little while however, I believe we all deserve days to be a mess. Embrace the mess. Live the mess and be the mess. We deserve it! Mental health is so important and we don’t always need to hide the mess to be beautiful! Much Love, Alek!
P.S. You never know what someone else’s mess might be so BE KIND! The world needs more kindness✌🏻
It’s been to long since I’ve came to write. So much has happened and I have plenty to share just not enough time to sit down and write, but today I came across an old file on my computer I wanted to share. I wrote this on January 9, 2014 exactly 9 months after my dad committed suicide. Today reading this I am much more at peace and not so angry. Hopefully sharing this will help someone who is feeling the same way as I have in the past. It’s okay to feel whatever you are feeling when dealing with this kind of loss. Don’t let anyone tell you it isn’t.
January 9, 2014 We all know the stories about life handing you lemons but whatever happens to those who decide that it’s not worth making lemonade? They let those lemons rot until they make a personal decision to throw it all away. People are hurting every day. You may not see their tears or hear their cries from being to wrapped up in your own world. God forbid you woke up to find them hanging or dead from a gunshot wound. Would you wonder what you could have done differently, if you could’ve reached out and gave them hope or would you be angry that they were selfish enough to take their own life and leave you to suffer. I have my own personal experience of what I call suicide rejection.
April 9, 2013 I woke up it was a normal day to me. Get the kids ready and off to school and drive my 30 minute drive to work. I usually listen to the radio but sometimes I drive in silence and pray or think about life. That day I had no idea I would receive the phone call that no child should ever have to endure. Around 10:30 am my phone rang, it was my uncle Wade so I decided since I was at work I would just wait and call him later. Ding! Voicemail. Wait that’s odd he never leaves a voicemail. I check it and I can hear trembling in his voice. All it says is “Sis, call down here to Grandma’s it’s about your dad”. I call down to my grandmother’s house immediately and my aunt Saundra answers the phone and says Kela your daddy is dead. First words out of my mouth were “Your kidding me”? No. This wasn’t a joke I just couldn’t believe what she had said. The conversation went on. He had coffee with mamaw that morning and was dressed to impress for court. As they finished their coffee mamaw went off to work and daddy laid his house key on mamaws TV as he went off to her driveway by the creek. That was the end for him. I was hysterical everyone I worked with could hear me screaming and sobbing. I had to call my brother and tell him. He was at the hospital with his wife who was having surgery. Now he was not only going to have to worry about her but about his dad who was dead.
All of these thoughts were whirling in my head. I had just talked to my dad yesterday. He told me he had court today but it wasn’t supposed to be anything major just letting him know where the case was heading against him. I asked him if he was going to go and he said yes why wouldn’t I? I said I don’t know but I really hope you don’t do anything you shouldn’t. I knew my dad was very upset about facing charges he wasn’t fully responsible for and had said he was never going back to jail after the couple months he had already completed. So I worried about him. He sounded so good that night. I trusted that he was going to court and everything would go on as normal. I was mad, I was sad, I didn’t know what to tell my kids about their papaw. I was going to have to drive 5 hours to make his arrangements. I knew he had no money and sure didn’t have a life insurance policy to help with the cost he had chosen to throw our way.
I guess with me everything boiled down to choices. We all have choices. He had a choice to live. Why did he decide to take his life? He had a choice on where to kill himself. Why did he choose a place where his mother would find his dead body? Why did he choose a place she has to drive by every single day and be reminded of what he done? He had a choice to live the life he had been living or change himself and get back on track. Knowing my daddy had been a pastor for many years until he chose to let his life spiral out of control actually made this situation harder for me. I knew he knew God. It made me question if he went and prayed by that creek before he pulled the trigger. If so what did he pray? How can you pray and know you’re doing the wrong thing and still continue with it. Was he drugged out of his mind? All of these questions and no answers. None at all.
The scariest of things to me is uncertainty and knowing people can leave your life at anytime. Not just in a relationship but also by death.
Death can be very hard to deal with. I’ve been through my fair share of deaths with close loved ones and friends. My dad committed suicide 7 years ago, I’ve lost grandparents who were very dear to me and currently I have a friend the same age as me (34) on end of life hospice care. It’s never something you want to accept but when it does you usually know they are in a better place or and not in pain any longer which comforts us. We can normally grieve and move on with their good memories.
When it comes to the uncertainty of investing your life into someone knowing at anytime they can throw in the towel and walk away this is where I start to struggle. The anxiety kicks in and starts kicking my ass. It takes over my thoughts, all the plans I want, and its hard to focus on the future with someone. You’re scarred, you’re broken from the past. You thought they wanted a life with you then… BOOM. They aren’t there anymore. Not expected. Nothing to comfort us. Leaving us with more questions and no closure. How does one over come that happening and being able to fully give it all and invest in another relationship going forward?
Time doesn’t heal the part of my brain that trusts or hasn’t for me so far. I feel like I will never be able to believe in a forever. I have a good thing for a change in life and part of me does not want to move forward because I know in a blink of an eye it can all be gone. I don’t want to go through the pain again. In my mind its so much easier to run, run, run.
Photo added for cuteness 🙂 I took this at Briarwood Safari Ranch on my birthday last month.
I wish I could figure out what is wrong with me. I know anxiety makes you get in your head and over think so much. But why do I question everything? I feel like I’m the only one who ever seems to get in my way. (Check out the song Maybe by Lewis Capaldi)
I’m in this great relationship. Head over heels for this guy. Been talking 6 months now been officially dating for 4 months. He’s great to me and my kids. I am crazy crazy about him and his babies. We never fight. We have so much in common. He’s the calm to my storms. In his arms is where I find so much comfort and peace and I’ve never really had that before.
So I ask myself why do I still want to run… Am I really that broken that I will never be able to be in even a stable, healthy relationship?! I don’t get why I get bored when we have a great time together. I don’t get why I get down about being with him even though things are so good. I’m waiting for something to happen even if I don’t worry about it happening.
I want to be okay and not feel like I’d rather be alone then put everything into this while waiting for something to happen for it just to fall apart and no it might not so I take the risk and try. I feel like I want to be selfish in life and just be alone forever and do my own thing and not deal with any other human beings. I hate the push and pull in my brain!
“How come I’m the only one who ever seems to get in my way? Lately, I’ve been fucking up a good thing any chance I can get Somebody to lean on, somebody to hold It’s just another to lead out before I let go And I ain’t tryna be lonely, solely But everything I touch turns to stone Maybe I’m better off on my own” – Lewis Capaldi that song was written for me….
We are kinda cute together though. The pic was taken at Bald River Falls in Tellico, TN
No, the title doesn’t really make much sense but really do our lives either?
I don’t write as much as I should to keep myself mentally sane but I do think about writing here a lot more then I do. I think about writing about my life in general, my struggles, my achievements, and my relationship. Unfortunately that’s as far as I get usually. Seems something always gets in the way of my thought and I never really finish what I was thinking about writing or I think who cares about what I have on my mind anyways.
I will say my anxiety is a lot more under control now then it has been over the past many years. I am so thankful for that. I have my daily struggles even if they are as small as not getting the inside seat at the booth I’m sitting down to eat at… the little things are still there. I’d much rather deal with that then having the fear of dying constantly or random panic attacks for no reason that show up at the times you think you’re just fine.
I’m not really sure what has changed unless I’m just learning to process things better mentally. I know I have grown a lot from my broken relationships to make the one I have today so much better with less stress and worries. I’ve learned so much over the last couple years and focused on me that maybe I’ve found myself enough to control myself… I like that. Never thought about it that way. See this is why I should write!
I HAVE FOUND MYSELF ENOUGH TO CONTROL MYSELF -Alek
We had a small snow that last a couple hours then melted but we enjoyed it while we could!
Today most everyone has some kind of social media. It is great in so many ways and not in others but I do love keeping up with my family that lives away and my favorite part is the memories it shows me from “X” amount of years ago.
I didn’t realize how much things have changed in as little as three years. This morning a picture of me decorating the Christmas tree with my kids popped up. They looked so little. How in three years did they grow to be so mature and nearly adults?! Who knew going from 14 to 17 and 10 to 13 would be such a huge difference.
I wish I knew then what I knew now. Wish I had cherished the times even more then I did. I wanna go back and hold them a little more and let them know life isn’t always perfect but together we will always get through things.
If you still have small kids don’t rush them to grow up, let them be kids a little while longer. Takes lots of pictures, give lots of hugs and I love yous. You will look back in a few years and it will all be a memory. One you never want to forget.
The last few months feel like I jumped on a train and it took off and we haven’t made any stops yet. So many things have happened and once again I made it through another of lifes chapters. It is almost time to close this chapter and start writing a brand new one that I am excited for.
Since my last post in September I have been on a mini trip to NOLA then on a cruise, my son turned 17, spent sometime in Nashville, did some Halloween stuff (because it is my favorite time of year), I sold my house, started dating someone new and lost my grandpa.
I think this has been one of the most challenging chapters I’ve had in such a short period but there has also been many good things come out of this chapter too. I moved out of my house mid October. The housing market where I live has been an extreme challenge. I have spent the last 2 months looking for a house. I have looked at close to 50 houses, put in nearly 10 offers on houses, and none of them were working out. Someone always had a better offer or the sellers would try to get the buyers in a bidding war or something random would happen and things would fall through for me. I was getting very discouraged and tired of living out of my suitcase. So what did I do. I prayed.
I have been raised in church my entire life but as an adult I don’t go to church and do things like I was raised. One day it hit me. I need to pray about whats going on in my life so I did. I prayed and prayed and all of the sudden things started falling into place y’all! I couldn’t believe the way things happened.
I had started talking to a guy back the first of September. Just something causal you could say. We neither wanted a relationship and wasn’t looking for anything serious. As time went on I started to develop feelings for him but I never told him how I felt. I just included this relationship in with my prayers and carried on. November 20th he asked me if I would be interested in dating exclusively and exactly one week later I had an offer accepted on a house. Not just any house BUT a house that could be big enough for him and his kids if things ever develop that far…. None of the other houses I had looked at would have had enough room for all of us! Maybe this is why none of the other ones worked out?! They just accepted my offer, no negotiations, and the home inspection went great! I couldn’t believe how things happened. I really feel like God did his thing in this situation! I just had to ask him.
Next week I close on my new house and start a new chapter. I am off work for two weeks and wont even have to miss any work to move and get settled in! Although there was plenty anxiety the last few months I am at peace now and feel like the train is slowing and all the pieces are finally coming together! Enjoy a few pics of the journey!
This week I traveled to Chicago for work alone. I love to travel more then almost anything so whether for work or pleasure I am going to have a good time!
So many people in my life that I talk to say things like aren’t you scared to travel alone? Don’t you worry what people think when you’re sitting at a table eating alone? Don’t you get lonely? How can you have fun by yourself. Used to I would thought the same things but after going somewhere and getting out and experiencing life alone it’s actually fantastic.
I’ve never been one to care what people think about me and over the last year learning to love myself more has really made it easier to enjoy myself wherever I go. My happiness doesn’t depend on someone else.
The biggest question is how do you do all those things and not have anxiety? Well there’s a very simple answer to that. I DO!! I do have anxiety about flying and about being away from home. I have anxiety in crowds, I have anxiety when I don’t know places and have to figure out where to go and how to get around! However the trick to all of this is you just have to do it! Make yourself try to overcome them. What good is it letting anxiety control you and you not living while you can?
The worst scenario is you have a panic attack and have to stop what you’re doing and go back to your comfortable spot but if you don’t try in the first place how will you ever know what you might actually enjoy or what places yours actually comfortable.
This week while in Chicago I went to the Skydeck. It’s 103 stories up in a building and you step onto a ledge glass box and can see for many miles and look straight down. I had told someone earlier this week I would never do that! But as I sat in my room looking into things to do I kept coming across it. I thought to myself you know what I will not let fear control me so I grabbed a ride over all alone and took the maze through the Sears Tower (now Willis Tower) and up 103 stories to the most amazing view I had ever experienced in my life. It was every bit worth the $25! It actually didn’t cause me any anxiety and I would do it all over again.
I also went the the Chicago Cubs game with thousands of people there and then I went in and sat down to eat dinner all alone. I did have anxiety at the Cubs game from all the people but once I got situated I started to calm down and I had a wonderful time.
Chicago is in the top 10 for murders in the USA and I’m just a country girl exploring the city world alone! If I can do it, so can you! So get out there and enjoy life ALONE if you have to. There’s no reason to let your anxiety control you and if you can enjoy life alone you will surely be able to enjoy it with others in your life.
Aleks Anxiety Asylum 